Annoyed Ramblings
by Kiiiiina
Summary: Ever wondered what Elizabeth is actually thinking? Well, you might be surprised...


Author's Note: This is my very special take on Elizabeth. Because, remember: We never get to see her actual thoughts, lol.

Annoyed Ramblings

I dragged my fucking heavy armor around another bush. BLEH. What was this?! How much more of this could there be? "I hate nature," I mumbled quietly, talking to myself. The stuff growing on the forest floor pulled on my already very heavy armor and made things extremely annoying. "Elizabeth, why?!" I screamed to myself, wanting to pull out my hair but only hearing a loud metallic sound when my armored arm met my armored head. Ouch. That kind of hurt. Wasn't armor supposed to protect you from hurt?! Stupid, stupid shit.

It was hot! I was thirsty! This was an idiotic idea! I groaned.

Growing up as a princess I had had the luxury of never doing any manual work, lucky me. Of course, that meant that my arms and legs were thin, useless twigs without any strength or use to them at all. My right eyebrow twitched in annoyance at another bush in the way. This was seriously getting old. Just as I was about to sit down and give up for the day I saw a building in front of me. Well, if you could call it that? It looked odd, somehow. Like someone tried to make it look suspicious. I nodded to myself happily. Suspicious places with suspicious people was what I was looking for!

I trudged up the small hill and nearly died of breathlessness. The armor was insanely heavy and honestly, it was a miracle I had come this far! I threw open the door. I was delirious, fanatically rambling about my goal under my breath: " _The seven deadly sins_." I heard someone scream something, but really, I was gone too far past my limits already, my brain felt like a muddled, useless mess. So… I collapsed on the floor. That was usually the princess' job, right? Well, I was prepared for that. Collapsing felt like my thing.

I woke up and I felt someone grab my right breast. Not good? "Ye… Yes….?" I asked, nervously. Do people do that outside of the castle? Veronica had always said people were rougher outside. Was that what she meant? It felt kind of good, to be honest. Hmhm, I had always had the suspicion that the castle was a no-fun-zone. Confirmed, like ten minutes after my decision to leave. Bleh.

I blinked. The boy in front of me stared. It was a little awkward how he kept grabbing my breast like that. But daaaaaaaaamn those eyes. Oh my, _hot shit right there._

"…And no abnormalities in your heartbeat, either!" he finally concluded in a confident voice. I watched the cutie turn away. What do you say in this situation? Damn, I had no idea. Uh, awkward. You just didn't need social skills as a princess. Argh. What to say?! I panicked. "Th… Thank you very much?" There. That might pass as normal, right? _Right?_

 _Don't screw up the first minute with him, Elizabeth! You can do this!_

"You bastaaard, acting so aloof!" A pig shouted. _Huh_.

"Where… is this…?" I asked, checking out the small room. The cutie walked over to the window confidently. Confidence just burst forth from him in waves and waves. But who could blame him? He was HELLA CUTE! Okay, Elizabeth get a grip! Stop checking out the hottie. You need to get intel! "Um… why am I…?" I asked nervously. Yeah, I know. Brilliant talker, hah. Smooth as always. Way to go Elizabeth. You really rock, girl!

"You came into the bar in some crazy daze and suddenly keeled over," the hottie replied. Urgh. I really did well on that one. One day outside and I collapsed. One day outside and someone had to rescue me. Elizabeth, you amaze me. How can you be so competent?

"…bar…?" I asked stupidly.

"The 'Boar Hat'! It's my bar!"

"Are you… the owner…?" He is certainly walking around like he owns the place. Actually, he is walking around like he owns _all places_. Can I have some of that confidence please?! It's unfair! You already got gorgeous eyes! Getting both is just cheating…

"Is that strange?" Yes. Yes, it is.

"N…No!" Yes. Um, give him a reason. He'll think you are weird. Come on, hurry! "That sword on your back…"

"Ah!"

"…I just thought you were a swordsman or something." Puh. Saved. Good thinking, Elizabeth. You are a fast one!

Hottie grabbed his sword and I remembered that I was weak and had no weapon and _no armor._ So what does a modern, self-reliant princess do? I squealed. When nothing happened, I opened my eyes again and felt stupid. "…eh?" Smart. "…the blade… is broken…?" Still scary. Sharp scary thing.

"Hehehehe, did I scare you?" he laughed happily. Yes, yes you did. "Even if it's just the hilt, it looks pretty authentic if I just show it off, right?" Yes, it does. "This is what you'd call an incentive for people not to run off without paying!" Urgh. I don't have any money. Is he going to kill me? At least I die by the hands of the most gorgeous man alive then. Something to look forward to in all this! Elizabeth, you got this.

"A lot of different kinds of customers come to a bar, after all… It's hard being the owner." He put the scary, sharp thing back into its holster. I felt a weight off my mind. Out of sight out of mind. I have always been simple like that. Don't judge me!

"I feel sorrier for the customers that get their cash stolen from you after being fed your food," the pig said. My mouth fell open and I ran up to the pig and threw myself at it. How fun! "Wooooow! It's a talking piggy! I begged my father for one before!" I squealed like a proper princess.

"The name's Hawk!" the pig said.

"What's your pig called?" Hottie asked. There is no pig. People are overthrowing the kingdom and I had to leave behind my father, the king. Now I'm looking for a dragon to fry all of them. Or a meteorite. Or a demon. Whichever comes first.

"…" I said, eloquently.

"Right, are you hungry?" Hottie asked. Yes, for you. Uh oh. Don't say that. Elizabeth, don't say that. Shhhhhh, be quiet, you stupid girl. Ah, please don't say it!

I blushed and looked away.

"If you want, I'll let you have some." Oh?

Oh, he meant the pig. Damn, I almost thought. Oh well…

The pig squealed.

"You'll feed me Pork?"

"I'm not Pork! I'm Hawk!" You are both little piggy. And I'm very hungry.

"…unfortunately, just food from the bar!" cutie said and laughed evilly.

"You piece of shit… don't say it so misleadingly!" Hawk cried.

"…in addition to looking after me, you're even giving me food…" I gulped. "Just… what can I do to repay you…" Please don't kill me hot bar owner. Don't use your really pointy broken sword to skewer me alive. I'd appreciate it.

"It's all right, just eat!"

"All right…" There had to be a catch. I worried. But I had to eat. I had been told eating was important. "Thanks for the food!"

I took my first bite and it was the vilest most awful food that had ever touched my tongue. It was also reminding me of something horrible that I had somehow forgotten. It was there just at the edge of my memory, gleaming like a sharp knife, ready to strike. Okay, Elizabeth. Get a grip.

"How is it? It tastes horrible, right?" The man of my dreams chirped happily.

"…yes."

"I knew it," Hawk and the dream man said in unison. I felt tears slide down my eyes. Perfectly reasonable behavior.


End file.
